So I have been a bit absent lately. Having had a hard time coming up with what to write about and what to share. So I turned to my garden.
Does anyone else garden?
I love it!!
I find it to be one of the few things in this world that makes sense. It's also become one of my sanity savers. It gives me some control, but at the same time none at all. I have to trust and hope for my garden to grow and to produce. I find I hold my breath in hope and anticipation until I begin to see the little green shoots emerge to greet the sunshine.
Something different about this year, compared to the past few, I feel more alive again. I feel like something inside of my awoke with the buds and blossoms. The past few years, I have gardened. Gone through the motions. But never found joy in it the way I had previously. The difference? I found out that it wasn't just my little girl that needed healing!
I have spent so much time this past year reading, learning and looking at the most secret parts of myself wanting to be better. Wanting myself to come back and feel alive again. And to go from a place of "survival mode" to rest and peace, is a VERY long road. This process has been a hard one and it's far from over, and I doubt the journey will ever really end. I have learned that if everything seems fine in my life, it means that I am not growing, and God's desire for me is to grow every day and become more like Jesus. SO if I believe that, then that means I have to keep working at it. To take each opportunity and use it wisely.
Now when I say take each opportunity, it doesn't mean be on every committee and do everything for everyone and so on. It means that through the Holy Spirits leading in my life, I desire to continue doing the next right thing. And really sometimes, most of the time, that is all I have, only the next right step in front of me.
Much of the past year has been time spent on my own. Time spent in God's Word, a book, journaling and always with coffee close at hand. On the outside, this journey to some may have looked like me disappearing, me becoming a loner, or being unfriendly. I hope that wasn't the case. But I knew that God's call to me was to finally let things like keeping my house spotless and my children constantly entertained, and the expectations of the outside world be less important and that He become most important. That I find rest. And that I find that rest in Him.
This phase of my journey began before our world at home changed. Our daughter is in her 8th month of being seizure free. The remarkable and amazing change that we have seen and the growth we have seen in her these past months has just been, literally, life changing. And it has lifted so much of the strain in the sense of her having seizures. But also in the sense of what her future (and our future) looks like. God has shown us he is Sovereign over all of this, over and over again, and we are just so unbelievably thankful.
BUT the journey doesn't just end and things aren't hunky-dory....a new chapter has begun. And that chapter has struggles and growth of it's own. Having had become settled, finally finding some peace in where she was at and giving control over to the Lord, and to suddenly then have her seizure free. That, although, again, is AMAZING, can make your head spin a bit. But that is only because, God knows we can handle the next phase, the next step and that our relationship with Him has grown in an amazing way.
So this next phase, is here, it's happening and I am being mindful of my daily time with the Lord. I'm not perfect, it doesn't always happen, but the desire is there. My desire is to take the Father with me in each hope, interaction, reaction and word.
Something I want to share with you is that a year ago, I wouldn't have been in the right place for where we are now. Her healing a year ago would have found me in the middle of not knowing anything about who I am again, or what my relationship with God means to me. I'd lost sight of so much. I was completely burnt out and only "doing" to keep up appearances. And obviously, I am not the only one in this story, but from my viewpoint, this is what I have seen.
1.I've seen a glimpse and have begun to understand what it really means to rest in the Lord.
2.To Trust Him and give over my children's future selves to Him, because I am entrusted by Him to care for and to guide and to help them. Not to force every personal feeling of inadequacy on them to try and justify my existence. We are each our own person and will make our own mistakes.
3.I am finally beginning to find light in my motherhood again.
4.Desire to see and be with my kids and not just to run away whenever I could.
5.Rest is so important for me!
6.God is Sovereign, not just knowing with my head, but with my heart.
7.Saying no and having healthy boundaries with myself and others is okay.
8.Asking for help makes me strong, not weak.
9.Asking for help before it being the last resort, so as to retain an emotional balance.
There is so much more, but these are what I felt I wanted to share here.
God has given me a green thumb and I am so thankful for the relationship I have with gardening. It gives me a glimpse into His hope for us. His love for us. And what He gives to us. The work, sweat, love, time, joy, frustration, gifts, nurturing and devotion that we show are garden really can lend a hand in how we cultivate our relationships. Not just with our kids, but with each other. I am so thankful.