The idea to "be somebody" in this world began early on for me. I loved to sing, and deep down, thought I was really good. I wanted to be headed for some BIG stage somewhere. The thing was, somewhere along the line, I began to fear, to falter and to give up on this dream as a teen because I had no faith in my ability, the feeling that I wasn't worthy enough, and that wanting this BIG dream was somehow wrong. Today I have those same fears. The same strongholds deep down that will kick me hard the moment I begin thinking of being something more than what I am. And often, I perceive, at no one's fault, in my own brokenness, that I was stupid to think I could do anything "BIG".
Now all that to say, I deep down still have dreams. Sure yeah, I still love to sing, but as I have become older, a mother, a wife, I simply want to be seen and "bigger" than I am. Ugh, even typing that feels so wrong! Because I also know in my head that what I should want is to be a good Christian and send all the glory to God. How do I find the harmony in that I can succeed and love God first in this life? Is it even possible?
Funny, the paragraphs you have just read, they were written weeks ago. More recently, I began and quickly read a book from Jess Connolly finding again, it was the perfect timing for this perfect book. God always knows!
You Are The Girl For The Job, is 252 pages of punches, in a good way! Jess takes you on a journey, one she has lived, and is still living each day. But it is a journey into the truth of who God is. Who you are in Him and that He always has and always will have a place in His story for women. I've been truly blown away by her honesty, vulnerability, and wisdom.
I wanted to share with you a little on the personal joys brought through this book. I have ALWAYS had this weird internal battle about bringing attention to myself. But I've also been given a big personality. So finding my place has never been an easy one! Jess lays out a very wise and biblically backed list of lessons through out the chapters and my biggest realization here is that hopes and dreams aren't bad, but something to bring to God. And when I say bring it to God, I mean that I have learned to ask questions of God that I had never thought to ask him before. (I've wondered them myself, but figured they were too selfish to ask of God. The "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?" type ones.)
Seeking and longing to see the giftings that the Creator has given me was a very murky area for me. It's one that has always triggered a deep place of guilt. As if by seeking out my giftings I am some how discontent with myself right here and right now and that I should be thankful and not think I am worthy of more. Because, there again, I am being ungrateful. But through this book I am learning that it's simply not true. Those giftings from God are ones He wishes to use to further His kingdom. They are there because God deems me worthy of them.
"We claim our courage when we believe we are who God says we are." After reading this book, I am choosing to believe that God has more for me to do, that I will not be this person in this season forever, in fact, all I need to do is look at the past 12 years of my life to know how not in control I am, I don't know what is best, and I would never have thought I could be stretch as far as I have. But God, He knew, and I need to have the courage to step out each day in faith, allow direction, allow my heart to stay pliable and vulnerable, and to take it all as it comes.
I am the girl for this job, this life, this day, this way. No one else can live my life because God knew it needed to be for me, and that is a very good reason to be thankful.
I'll leave you now with these words from Jess Connolly, "Sister-friend, you were made in the image of God - not given a spirit of fear or timidity at birth but born into a spiritual heritage of strength and courage that will at times look like muchness to the world. It may seem a little extra. It may ruffle feathers. It may rock the boat. It will absolutely call those around you to evaluate whether or not they're obediently listening to the Father with all they have. But what is the alternative....That muchness you thought was your liability? Turns out it's your secret weapon."