It's been a while! Writers block is what I called it. But truthfully, I hit a wall with myself. I began second guessing everything I thought the write about. Insecure. Worried about what people would think. If I'd offend or, without meaning to, cause shame. Fact is guys, I am a broken human being. I will never claim that I have it all figured out or I am on top of it all! I actually have a problem in the opposite end of this pendulum. I don't know how to give myself credit without feeling like I am being a vain person. It's a really hard thing for me. So why may you ask am I feeling so much better and writing to you now? Well here goes.
I am turning 33 in a few days. Truthfully, the age thing hasn't ever bothered me. Turning 30 didn't freak me out. I've basically only seen it as a number and that it's more about how I live my life. I've given myself the past year and a bit to learn some hard lessons. To focus on the relationship I have with God and with myself. (I'm not done, trust me.) God has been leading me on this journey and I have been in a regular tug-a-war over who was actually in control, but overall I have learned it best to hand the reigns back over and do the hard truth growing. It has brought times of healing, peace, hurt, hard truths, pain and pure joy. And so, with this next birthday on it's way, I have come to the next step. One I am ready for and one I have been scared to approach. My body and my health.
My relationship with my body has never been a positive one. I grew up with a negative personal view of my body. I have never thought myself to be beautiful or thin, or even the perfect size. I had had spurts of home working out through the years. I had a fear-thing against gyms and figured if I just acted like I didn't care about my weight, I wouldn't have to and people would accept that. When internally, I never accepted myself. The outside world wasn't the issue at heart. It was how I viewed myself. I didn't know how to practice self love without fear of being vain....
When my daughter was almost 2 I finally took a risk, hit a gym, and fell in love with Zumba and Yo-laties classes. Then my daughter's health issues began and I fell away from caring for myself in any way to take care of her. Not something I would have traded in any shape or form. I needed to be there for my daughter and my husband. When I returned home after 8 months of living away, I was emotionally elsewhere and gave up on it until, 2011. A friend had opened her own gym and I was thrilled to have all the classes I loved with the instructors I loved from my old gym. So I began, and I loved it! I felt better than I ever had. I was actually excited to get there for 5:30 AM classes and continued until I was 6 months pregnant with my son. I stopped just simply because I wasn't capable at that point. I had an amazing pregnancy and felt so good all through it. And honestly, my labor and delivery were fantastic due to the strength I had built into my body.
After my son arrived, I waited for the 6 weeks mark to get back. But honestly, I couldn't get back into it. I felt defeated going back, like because I wasn't where I was before, I was failing. I know in my head thats not true...but in my heart I was in a weird state. I look back and that was the beginning of my depression. By the time my son was 6 months, I went to the doctor in a mess of tears and angst. I was put on anti-depressants and a strict therapy schedule. But my gym membership ran out and sadly my gym closed. I distanced myself from the work I had put in and the further I left things, the more I gained. The higher the number rose on my clothes and the more I felt myself hating my body.
So whats different now? Well, it begins with my headspace. In the past year I have learned that self care is so important and that it not only impacts me. It impacts the people around me too. Especially my kids and husband. Not taking care of myself, gave them the grumpy short end of the stick version of me. And that wasn't what I wanted or what they deserved. Reading a variety of books brought me along the journey. Taking time to pray, process, journal and just actually allow rest in my days, opened an entire new view on myself. Now, it's not all been rainbows and sunshine, as I stated before there have been a lot of internal battles. And I have had more than a handful of days down in the "depths of despair". But I'd come through those with a good shake from the Lord and my hubby. Often thrown a lifeline in the pages of one of the books I was reading. So now, not perfect, I have become better at knowing I am worth something. I am worth time. I am worth care and love. I have seen that my family will not fall apart without me juggling all the balls of our lives and that God has created me with even more depth than I realized.
Now that I have found all these things I am ready to tackle the looming reality of my health. My relationship with food has become better in the past year or so. But it's time to get back on the wagon of fitness. Now, I have no aspirations to run a marathon. Or climb mount something or other. No, my ambition is focused on my future. Because as much as the age number climbing doesn't bother me, I do know that my life's wellness and fullness will depend a lot on how I take care of the inside of my body. I also want to be a good role model for my kids and that they know this is an important part of living.
I'm ready. So the first steps have been standing on that scale. Facing the truth of where I have ended up through years of ignoring what I ate and being in survival mode.
235.8lbs. Thats my number. And it's my truth. I share it not to shame myself or to try and grab attention. I share it to let anyone feeling in the same place, that it's not too late to change. The number can't be the only reason for the change or the thing that holds us back. It cannot have the power. The reasons we make these changes and take these steps have to hold the power. So here are my main reasons:
- Because I care about me. I am a gift from the Lord. My body is a gift. I want to honor that gift.
- To be there for my kids lives.
- To be a role-model for my kids.
- To find myself in retirement with my husband and capable of travelling and doing all the things we dream of.
- To be emotionally and mentally free of my depression and come off my medication.
For my birthday I have received a gift to help me along my journey. (Take note I asked for it, so it was wanted. Giving someone this gift without permission would probably not go over well.) My hubby, father-in-law and future mother-in-law, went together to purchase me a Fitbit. I've only had it for 3 days, and I can already see the difference in my mind, being able to see progress in more than the mirror. I needed something to daily work towards. Something to give me motivation and accountability with myself. Very, very happy.
So wish me luck. Here goes everything!