"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9 NIV
God never says we will have an easy life if we follow Him. In fact he says the opposite as living life with Him and for Him involves not conforming to what the world is and offers.
My Girl turns 10 in September and looking at the past posts that come up on my Facebook account, I think back to before our world was turned upside down. I wish I could have seen the growth that would come through the hurt and fear and chaos. But these days, finally I dare to look backwards and see that every step, even when I wasn't being a very "good Christian" He was there. Carrying me, nudging me and giving me the gift of grace and mercy that he is so perfect at. This verse that I have begun my post with today is one I wish I'd had written across my lips through the cancer days, but I also know that it's never too late. Never to late to begin the journey. And ultimately God knows when I will begin it and knows I will say no to him over and over and still he is never swayed from trying and pursuing me. I know that I am loved.
But really who thinks, when they go to have a family that it will be their kid that has the cancer? That it will be me, the mother, the wife who is fighting the statistics of divorce and the death of a child. The fear of having no power at all and having to rely on Doctors that I know nothing about. Nurses that you just have to trust, do have your child's best interest at heart. Putting literally the life of your little treasure in the hands of the Lord and screaming and crying, "WHY!?! WHY ME? What did I do??" When in reality, I did nothing directly. But God knew. He knew we would struggle. Knew I'd hurt. But he also knew we could do it. That we would make it through and that ultimately He could bless us over and over through the hard stuff and bring us to a BETTER place in 2018 than we ever would have been if we hadn't gone through this hard thing.
Okay yeah, seeing myself type that causes a pang of-"but really....couldn't we have had a different way?" But if not us then perhaps someone else? Someone who didn't know the Lord? Someone who didn't have a husband with a job that could relocate and be our financial support through unfathomable circumstances?? There are so many things we had and have now that are lessons that we learned through these hard times.
I have learned that fear can't kill ya! It sure feels like it can...but it won't. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I am smarter than I had ever known. And that I can adjust even if I fight it every step of the way. I also look back and see the wrong turns. The wrong turns I took financially in my shopping habits to make myself feel better in the midst of chaos. Those decisions that are only now becoming something we have overcome. They had extreme long term fallout. But it didn't kill us either. And even when we thought we were done with it all and the cancer was gone, we found another leg of illness and abnormality brought to us. And we have been through another wringer...But we are still here. We have been so beyond blessed through it all. And not in always the most obvious or the most preferred ways.
Please don't think I say this because I have the perfect life, with everything completely figured out and everything is amazing all the time and we just glide- NO I struggle everyday with fear, anxiety and anger. I am not dealt and done with those things. I deal with them each new day and make decisions daily on how I want to live. And in the past and even today, I have to make choices. I make the choice to trust God and His plan and provision. I choose to take the day slower. I choose to be in my relationships with my husband and my kids. Life isn't magic. It isn't instant amazing-just add water life....It is choices. Choices are the things we do every moment and we are called to live them without fear through relying on the Lord and living an authentic life that is joyful. Happy-happy isn't the life given it is the life made...in every choice...and every chance....we decide what to do with this one life God has given us.