No Kids?? What will I do?

Earlier this summer, Hubby and I asked my parent's to take our two monkeys for some time in August. At the time, I was still feeling sooo overwhelmed and could hardly get through a day with out crying and I honestly had no clue how I was going to make it through the summer.

My parent's were very excited to take on the task of having the two kiddos for some time and so, as of the beginning of August, I will be handing them off for up to a couple weeks. I say up to as I have no idea how Our Girl will handle the trip and stay, etc. We have slowly been talking to them about the coming trip and how fun it will be and that daddy and I will be up to get them after some time.

Funny though, I keep getting the question of 2 weeks without your kids? What are you going to do with all that time? Well let me tell ya!

At first, the "break" was simply to be for freedom to breathe and get some good sleep before September rolled around and school started. (Both of them will be in school so that in itself is going to be a huge adjustment. More talk on that another time!!) But now I am looking into completing a major house overhaul while they are away. Of course there will be times of rest too, lots of time for it. But recently having found this home de-cluttering course with Allie Casazza, I'm am on a roll to get the job done good while they are away. Giving way to a more peaceful September.

My agenda aside, I wanted to come on and talk about some of the emotional stuff going on in my head and my heart thinking ahead to these possible two weeks with out the two constants of my life.

Part of me is excited for myself and for the kids, but then in creeps the guilt for being excited. And following that comes the worry. I know my parent's are fully capable to take on the two. And honestly even more "easy" now that Our Girl has been seizure free for many months now. But I still worry. I still become overwhelmingly anxious over thinking about not having full control over the medication doses each day, her sleep patterns, her eating, etc, etc, etc. All things that have been super important in the past and while she is in school. Talking to my hubby the other day about this, I think it's pretty normal to have this reaction, as our daughter has been far from an average case of having a kid, but I am also realizing the fear isn't for my kids, it's my selfish fear of not being needed. That ultimately someone else can do a fine job taking care of my kids without me. May sound silly, I know. But it's how I am feeling under the layers.

So, now, how to take these thoughts and feeling captive, accept them and then grow from them so I can be better...

I think I am on the right track, getting involved in tackling my home. For years the stuff has come in to my home, out of a "need" for more that wasn't actually a real need for more stuff but for the tiny spurts of excitement from something new. Which inevitably would end abruptly and I'd head out to find something new to give me another "hit". I literally created an addiction for myself with shopping to make myself feel better when the world felt almost constantly blue and hard. But today, thats not my life, it hasn't been that way for a long while and I have worked VERY hard to over come that addiction. But now, I am left with a home bursting at the seams with things I told myself I needed and really is now just causing a major drain on my life. It isn't making my life better, it is pulling me down. It's become a drain on my time, energy, and my home feels like an overwhelming mess ALL THE TIME!

The anxiety level that it brings me has made inviting people over a fear. People dropping in a never and my mind a constant stir of mush. Having been struggling with diagnosed depression since my son was 6 months old, the idea of trying to work my way out of this hole, has been crippling. I would become so overwhelmed that I'd freeze and crawl into bed to watch netflix. Of course this not being productive in any way, shape or form, but it literally was my life. This past year I have slowly been able to work myself into a better place. Through prayer, many books, pages and pages of journal writing, learning healthy boundaries, and working at letting a lot of my past baggage go, I am finally in a place where I am ready to tackle the next BIG thing! My home!

So, if this interests you, please keep an eye open over on my instagram as I will be posting my journey through my home.